My bride and I have an ongoing arguement on what really
constitutes cheating. Is talking on line sexual with a member
of the opposite sex cheating?  Is watching porn on the com-
puter cheating? Is getting a lap dance at a strip club cheating?
Is touching a member of the opposite sex cheating?
Her view is that, anything you do that you wouldn't want your
partner to see you do is cheating.
What brought this up, is that a couple we know just broke up.
The husband caught his wife with, another women.  Her responce
was, "you knew I was BI when you met me and I never refuse
you sex." My bride thinks that it was ok because she was
satisfying a need her husband couldn't and it was with a women
not a man.
I think it's cheating for two reasons. #1 she was doing it behind his
back and #2, if your doing it with a man, women or the Great Dane
down the block, your doing it with someone other than your husband.
Am I wrong or am I a sexist pig like my bride says I am????
 


Comments

  • exhibit_c said Apr 16, 2008...
    If it's not OK with the other person, it's cheating, but it may not be serious cheating. In my marriage, having a piece of cake without telling is considered cheating, but it won't break up the marriage. (That is cake as in cake, not a slang term for something else.)I would think that any cheating involving body contact would have to be considered serious.
  • SeanRenaud said Apr 16, 2008...
    Cheating is anything that your spouse is uncomfortable with.  If you don't want your bride with a woman, or a dog or chating on the internet with other guys, or hell masturbating then these things are cheating.  I think you'd be awfully immature for getting upset over her pleasuring herself but if that's how you define cheating then that is cheating.  At the same time if you don't mind the idea of your wife inviting down the local b-ball team for a gang bang every friday then guess what that's NOT cheating.  It's about your limits and her limits.
  • lfbno7 said Apr 16, 2008...
    Cheating is when someone violates the agreements that have been made.
  • SeanRenaud said Apr 16, 2008...
    Well this is me being argumentive just to argue.   But while we said similar things here lfb, I'm right and your's gives humanity WAY too much credit.  You SHOULD be right but most couples don't make agreements.  It's just assumed.  If you girlfriend hasn't SAID you can kiss her sister it's assumed that you can't.  On the flip side if you haven't specified that she can't be on the phone with her male friends it is assumed that she can.   There were no agreements made, society has set these rules for us and for the most part we follow them without question
  • lfbno7 said Apr 16, 2008...
    I'm getting used to you. You're funny. But yes, I agree that people don't communicate as much as they should, so there could be some gray areas. In my life, there have been no gray areas. My wife knew damn well I wouldn't want her fucking any of the guys she fucked, and she also knew damn well that I was fine with her having girlfriends because I told her so and met some of the girls.
  • SeanRenaud said Apr 16, 2008...
    My point remains that most people don't communicate what rules there are to their relationship.  It's usually unspoken and agreed on.  You may have actually  verbally told your wife she couldn't have sex with other men, for most couples though this doesn't need to be said out loud.  It only needs to be said outloud if you don't mind.
  • Dr.Mind said Apr 16, 2008...
    I think your right but basically cheating would be anything one party does that the other would not. Porn? Defineatly no big deal. The strip club lap dance-no big deal. Talking sexualy with someone online-kind of a big deal. Touching a member of the opposite sex-I think it would be a deal yeah defineatly. You need to talk with your partner to see what makes her uncomfortable, discuss if it has much reason, and then decide if you want to risk pissing her off or staying on her good side with a good consience. But with all things dealing with love and sex you'll most likely do w/e you feel like doing. Good luck with your marrige you are gonna need it.
  • mobil said Apr 16, 2008...
    Cheating is when you get caught, anything before that is just messing around.
  • Fallyn said Apr 16, 2008...
    my own belief is that the individual couple decides what is and what isn't cheating...i don't think there is any "defined set of rules" as to what is and what is not cheating.....it's probably something you should have discussed a long time ago.some people think looking at someone else at ALL is cheating.....and some people don't think actually having sex with another person is cheating.....IF that is what their relationship has defined as okay.i think the woman in the scenario cheated because she did it behind his back because she KNEW it would harm the relationship...she knew it would hurt him.THAT is cheating.
  • Trisscar said Apr 16, 2008...
    My thoughts on cheating.   Cheating has to do with the two people in the relationship.   In a monogomous relationship two people rely on eachother emotionally and sexually. Understanding eachother's boundries on what is acceptable and what isn't is important in a relationship.   "Cheating" happens when on partner feels that the other is relying on somebody else rather than them for the emotional or sexual support that they feel they should be giving.   Thats why some people are fine when if their partner goes to the strippers - because they don't feel that their partner is relying on the strippers to satisfy them sexually - but really just as a form of enterntainment, and sure a guy/girl might get "off" on strippers but ultametly they are still looking at their partner as their real source of satisfaction.   This is why jelously comes into play when people are emotionally tied to members of the opposite sex (or same sex.. depending)... because a partner can feel that they are not being supported and or are not able to support their partner emotionally.   Now... this is pretty much oversimplfying it all but thats how I see it.
  • hotaka said Apr 16, 2008...
    I think if your mind, heart and body cannot be faithful then it's cheating. But exactly how badly it affects your relationship will determine the true depth of the mistake. I say mind and heart because if you are seriously thinking about having sex with another then your partner would surely not be pleased to know that. It is natural to have attractions to others and even feel a sexual magnetism that can give you those kinds of thoughts. But if you really are commited to your partner you will not let those thoughts persist or entertain them with fantasies. With respect to feeling attracted to others, my mother once said, "It's okay to get your appetite while out, but always eat at home." Yes, my mother said that.I think the woman caught with another woman was in the wrong if her husband was hurt or angered by it. It depends on each relationship really, doesn't it? Some people don't mind their partners getting a lap dance while others would be totally irate.
  • diabolicdame said Apr 17, 2008...
     What the woman did in this case you mentioned was cheating as far as I am concerned. I agree with you. But porn is not cheating. Its like saying video games are cheating. I know I'm in the minority here as most women won't agree with me but porn is not real! Its no big deal. Lap dance is no big deal either. Talking sexual or touching another person sexually is a big deal though. Basically it depends on the couple. Anything that one of them is not comfortable with is cheating.
  • slirpuff said Apr 17, 2008...
    I agree with most everyone, it's a matter of communication and although there will always be gray areas, you know if your doing something you shouldn't be doing.  But I still don't see the problem with taking a second look at a hot women walking by because, what women hasn't done the same when they've seen a good looking guy with a great body. Also a double standard; Chip and Dale male review and a strip club. I've heard what goes on at the female nights where the dancers need the extra bouncers. To me it becomes really easy... Look but don't touch... That way I'll never get into trouble.
  • Fallyn said Apr 17, 2008...
    i think chippendales is retarded.......and i don't generally scope out guys.....maybe i'm an exception to the rule though.
  • BDSMrose said Apr 17, 2008...
    I have always thought that cheating is what you and you partner had agreed were outside your comfort level. It has to be talked about. To some women porn is cheating and to other people it could be a foursome.
  • OneOfMany said Apr 19, 2008...
    Ask your bride if it had been you she had caught with another man and you paraphrased the line the woman gave to her husband, would she still say it wasn't cheating?It always amazes me how many people change their views when it is they who are affected.
  • silverwhisper said Apr 20, 2008...
    as has already been said, it's about what the two agree it means. for some relationships, masturbation might be considered cheating, to take an extreme example; for other relationships, anything goes and it's an open relationship. personally, i think it's way too subjective a matter for anyone to say "this is the way it is for all relationships, no matter the peculiarities of the people involved" without being an idiot, myself. the problem here, at least to me, is that the two never discussed it, and as it hadn't been discussed, that was the mistake. ed
  • SeanRenaud said Apr 20, 2008...
    I still stand by my sleeping with another physical human being is considered cheating often enough that unless it was specifyed as ok it isn't
  • exhibit_c said Apr 20, 2008...
    Some activities may not be "cheating", but still be a misdemeanor of some different name.
  • mandikern said Apr 22, 2008...
    to me a person can also have an emotional affair. if you are talking to someone like you would your boyfriend and grow a connection that is way more than a friendship it is also cheating. sometimes this hurts even more.... for me, i knew my ex-ex boyfriend cheated, but the physicallity of it didnt bother as to how much of a connection they had and how he realized he would be happier with her not just sex wise. all i saw was what i thought a satisfied man i had a connection with, but he found stronger connections else. now a days i am happy for them, haha, but at the time..... oh boy, i was a ticking time bomb when anyone mentioned anything that i could somehow relate to either one of them, which in my case became everything....typical teenager. 
  • loman said Apr 24, 2009...
    Using someone else, besides your husband to fill a need, physical, emotional or spiritural without the knowledge of the husband is cheating. Vows are taken to commit to each other completely. This includes physical, emotional, and even a spiritural component if the vows are taken in church, "before God". The fact that she was Bi before has no bearing on the relationship. If she said I am Bi and would like to have an occasional fling with a female lover, or even, I want to continue a relationship with my female lover gives hubby the option of deciding if he is willing to share. If she just choses to indulge without hubby's knowledge, she is a cheater and deserves tho be treated as such.
  • SeanRenaud said Aug 27, 2009...
    No we haven't.  We've been largely on one page.  you are an idiot
  • Aaron+Wanda said Sep 23, 2009...
    Whether or not she cheated on her husband with a man or woman thats just plain cheating when your seeking sex outside the marriage. I think it wouldn't be cheating if she had brought him into the mix or something or just told him that she would do stuff like that. You and your partner need to sit down and talk (I don't know why this isn't something that couples do cause it helps set the guidelines for whats good and bad that way you can see whether or not you want to be in that relationship) honesty will serve you better. 

New commenting closed as post is too old. Why?